Men: Before Getting Married, Read This Book

Watching a favorite TV show (HBO's Entourage), I realized how clueless men have become toward the ugly realities of divorce in America. Nobody gets married expecting to fail, and cheerful optimism is one of the endearing qualities of newly-married couples. But you don't have to be a cynic to see that most men are simply not prepared, mentally and emotionally, to face the cruelty that a woman can unleash on a man when a marriage crashes and burns.

On the final season of Entourage, the Hollywood super-agent Ari Gold displays the all-too-common obliviousness of a married man headed for divorce. 

"I don't want it to get ugly," he tells his lawyer.

The lawyer flatly tells him that his wife can take half of everything he has ever worked for and will earn for the rest of his life. And the court system and the judges and lawyers and laws of California (or any state) will make it very easy for her and far more difficult for  him. It does not matter that she comes from wealth and doesn't need the money. She will take as much as she can get, they always do, and that includes taking away custody of the children if she can get away with it, the lawyer explains.

As portrayed by Jeremy Piven, the character of Hollywood agent Ari Gold has the work ethic, Machiavellian skill, and drive to become the most successful agent in show business. But none of that has prepared him for the pain and agony of divorce. This powerful man is utterly heartbroken and emasculated by his wife. 

A friend of mine is going through a divorce, and I think his wife has treated him horribly. What's amazing is the huge gulf between my friend's perception and mine. He is fine with actions by her that I view as plainly selfish, controlling and narcissistic. I'm proud of him, though. He has conducted himself like a gentleman throughout the divorce while not giving in to her irrational demands. As the divorce proceeds and the fog of marriage lifts, he is beginning to see her in a harsher light (a more accurate light, in my opinion).

Why are men blindsided by the barbaric behavior of their wives in a divorce? I think it's because few of us have really experienced or pondered the dark side of female psychology.  We can see the dark side of masculine instinct. In movies, television and books, the villain most often is a man. In the schoolyard and on the playground, the boy bully is easy to see. The female bully is veiled and hidden. We know that men can become animals without the forces of civilization to tame us. But less often do we acknowledge that the same is true of women. Unfortunately, we have a legal system that enables and even encourages women to bully a man and strip him of his dignity while greedily draining his money, time, career and property.

Actor Alec Baldwin went through a terrible divorce and writes about it in his 2008 book, A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce. Baldwin has famous hair-trigger temper and was plenty angry about his treatment at the hands of the legal system and his ex-wife, actress Kim Basinger. She even released private voice mail messages that he left for his daughter that show him at his most angry, frustrated and profane. But Baldwin and his co-writer, Mark Tabb, have managed to write a surprisingly even-handed and compassionate book about the toll that divorce takes on men in America today. The book is well-researched, and it's not just about divorce in Hollywood. They interview other men about their experiences, too.

The book covers many topics that men hardly consider, such as Parental Alienation Syndrome. This occurs when one spouse influences the child or children to regard the other parent as the enemy and a horrible person. Guess which spouse - male or female - has the upper hand in isolating and assassinating the other spouse's character and good name in today's legal system? Right, it's the woman, and she's backed up by the lawyers, judges, and the laws.

So I recommend that every man read A Promise to Ourselves before getting married. Why? Because nothing is worse than getting blindsided. It's unbecoming of a man to go into a marriage marriage with a less-than-reality-based view of marriage and likelihood of divorce. Many men scrutinize the most routine business transactions in far greater detail than they would think through all of the scenarios before getting married. This needs to stop.   Unfortunately, it can get ugly for any man. So prepare yourself before you get married, if not legally (by having a pre-nuptial agreement) then at least emotionally and mentally. No women should be allowed to strip a good man of his dignity, and certainly not a spouse, or ex-spouse.