The Ultimate Tip for Going Out Alone

Paul Dobransky MD's picture
Submitted by Paul Dobransky MD on Tue, 03/29/2011 - 03:01
The Ultimate Tip for Going Out Alone

If you are like many men, you detest going out alone socially. Turn the situation on its end, and discover that going out alone is what you ought to have done all along to find success!

I’ve never put out the full story on what exactly happens psychologically for a guy deciding on going out alone - going "stag."

It’s about time, because that’s one of the most frequent questions I get asked – is it better to go out alone? Or with a “wingman?”

The answer is, as in much of life, “It depends…”

What is the core reason for doing ANYTHING you do as a man with real drive and passion?

·      A competitive advantage in the workplace – to advance what you care about, what you know how to do, and how that builds a life as a man.

·      A competitive advantage in the dating marketplace – finding the right women or woman for you, all the way from a rich dating life up to a wife if you so choose.

In case you haven’t immediately guessed, these two bullets are the two terms of the Equation of Masculinity I have devised for you, and explain globally in the brand new Mature Masculine Power.

These are the DRIVERS of a life as a man. The “WHYS” of masculine life.

Of course the WAY you decide to enrich your life, and grow in character and maturity are fully covered in the MindOS Mastery Program.

And the nitty gritty WHAT do I do to attract women is covered top to bottom from getting dates to finding a great mate is covered in the complete system of courtship I lay out for you in the Omega Male Program.

Let's get into a recent reader comment:

QUESTION:

"Hi Dr Paul

Hey Dr. Paul I’ve been familiar with your materials for about 6-7 years now and have had many great successes.  However, I just wanted to share something about going out alone.  
 
Last night I went to a street festival and was planning up on meeting up with a couple friends.  However, while I was waiting for them I decided to put the phone down, stop texting, and start talking to people around me.  Right away I see this tall blonde coming by double fisting a beer and a shot of tequila, without hesitation I make a comment and find out she is with four other girls.  I believe I reasonably have their KWML types pegged.  
I know I’ll get back to them later, so I leave them for now.  Meanwhile I randomly run into another friend while waiting in line to use the facilities. After I get back about 10 minutes later I reconnect with the tall blonde and we grab a table along with one of her other friends.  I am not focusing on the blonde right now, but the other friend so my intentions aren’t obvious.
A couple minutes later all their other friends including a dude are sitting at my table, and I’m holding court!  It gets better, the blonde starts buying me drinks.  They decide to move outside and sit al fresco and invite me to come along.  
I tell them I’ll be out soon because I want to talk to my friend Kenny and talk to this other girl.
 
Up next to the bar is a girl who looks like Minnie Driver, now using some Observing Ego I know if I go up there and say, “you know you look like Minnie Driver,” that I’m obviously not going to get anywhere.  It just so happens I look like someone famous as well.  
So while her friend left to use the bathroom I roll up and tell her, “I’ve got to ask you a question.  I know you that you know you look like someone famous, but so do I.  You guess first, who do I look like?”  We hit it off right away, and when her friend returned all was well because I had already introduced myself to her earlier.  
So I tell a few jokes to Minnie and her friend, I get “Minnie’s” phone number and leave on a high note.  On my way out to the sidewalk to rejoin the group of five gals I randomly run into another friend I haven’t seen in over a year.  
By this point I have so much positive energy with me I feel unstoppable.
 
I rejoin the tall blonde and her friends and even though I’m sitting next to the blonde I’m still focusing on her friends - they have to like me or all is lost.  
This whole time I’ve been using touch, reading body language, using OE, and mystery.  None of them know what I do for a living, but I know what they do.  The move from the inside to the outside was crucial because it was almost like a second mini-date.  
I kept them guessing what I was doing while I was away flirting with Minnie inside the bar.  Guess what happens next, the blonde buys me another beer.  We all decide to leave this place and go to another bar around the corner – mini-date three.  
 
While at the next bar with these girls I run into a girl I had dated a couple months ago, things just fizzled out between us, so I decide to say stop by and say “hi.”  I don’t know what the blonde is thinking at this point, but I know it’s probably working in my favor and I’m just having a great ole time regardless.  
When the evening started I was all by myself texting and being rather anti-social while waiting for a couple friends who weren’t able to meet up in the end.  I put the damn phone away, randomly ran into two other friends, got “Minnie Driver’s” phone number, the blonde bought me drinks and gave me her number.  
All in all a pretty successful night that was completely spontaneous. Oh and by the way the blonde is already texting me today, the day after we met!
 
It sounds more like a field report and I feel like I’m 25 again.
Thank you,
Zander J.,
Chicago, IL"
 
ANSWER:
Wow, congratulations on a job well done! I remember you as having both the Omega, but eventually taking a bootcamp with us. Let’s deconstruct this success together.
You mention Observing Ego, THE core skill of personal growth I talk about in both the MindOS Mastery Program for men (on your general personal growth) as well as in the Omega Male Program on women, attraction and dating. In fact, in the latter, I go so far as to say this skill is none other than the actual scientific definition of “cool,” or “coolness.”
Would you then believe that you started out the night in the perfect place? With “Coolness?” Yes. In fact, one great – no, immense – advantage to going out alone is that it very much encourages this skill to grow – Observing Ego, the ability to assess yourself and the environment for matching behavior, and then to adjust under your own coaching to yourself.
In fact, you might say that having great Observing Ego is like “running your own bootcamp for yourself,” 24/7!
You used it to snap yourself out of autistic texting mode and into the social arena.
MindOS Mastery is yours for the taking...
And the Omega Male Program is also available to you.
Next, you made a concerted effort to be “Mr. Friendly.” This serves you well generally for your performance with both ingratiating yourself to women, as well as to potentially competing males. For those males who would see you as a threat if you had a serious demeanor, scoping out the ladies, it pegs you as “harmless,” or even “naïve.” For the women, it helps to automatically pass a bar, allowing them to soften the inherent feminine sense of “dangerous strangers” and “loners,” to instead see you as a potential friend.
This is a second reason that being friendly is important, and knowing you, you weren’t FAKE about it, like following some recipe. You were genuinely friendly, which is an actual “fitness indicator” of emotional health picked up by the unconscious minds of women.
 
It means that if,
a.) you are friendly, and
b.) unhappy people can’t be friendly,
c.) happy people have high self-esteem, and
d.) high self-esteem men offer durable partnership, fun, sexiness, and make fit fathers, then
d.) IT’S ON, with YOU.
 
Excellent.
You further did some things that will be reminiscent of some of the “dating guru” material out there on the internet – techniques of showing how many people you know, and of talking to the less attractive woman (or one you are less interested in since beauty is in the eye of the beholder), as a way of encouraging or influencing the one you desire, to like you back.
There’s no voodoo to this, as I describe for you in the Omega. All these techniques represent the very first step of Sexual Attraction that science actually supports – being “mysterious” – having cause for women to wonder about you, enquire about you, question who you are and what makes you tick. You did this just great, not following some “guru’s advice,” but finding your own individual way as a man for giving women something to want to know more about. Top it off with some jokes for more fun and humor, and you have taken the arousal state of “being a guy out alone” that unconsciously implies “danger” or “exclusion” to women, and instead making that “arousal” tip toward the sexual.
Bravo.
You inspire me to offer something to guys like you who have taken our bootcamps or WANT to:
I’ll tell you what. If you have ever wanted to take this bootcamp and haven’t, when you sign up for the full day and night Expedition Programs, we will have you covered.

Every expedition attendee gets three free months of the membership forums and weekly teleseminars. The membership you will have at www.menspulondemand.com is like a university, and universities have courses for you to take before you dive deep into solving problems… so let's use multiple course material to help you with this.

Test Your Resources

Like I said - the answer to the age-old question of whether it’s better to go out with a “wingman” or simply to go out alone is, “It depends.”
It depends on your tastes, your personality style, what social opportunity there is that night, who’s available from your entourage, whether you feel like having those who are, along, and a host of other things.
What might factor in the most however, is something higher level than this question: ARE YOU, AS A MAN, CAPABLE OF USING YOUR RESOURCES TO THE BEST ENDPOINT FOR YOURSELF.
In other words, can you “take lemons and make lemonade,” or better – choose in the moment what is right for you, what works for you, and what will be effective for your social life.
 

Build Your "Cool" Muscles

Which brings us to the very first skill of not only “going out alone,” but of all personal growth or transformation:
OBSERVING EGO.
You’ve heard me talk about it in the personal growth course called MindOS Mastery.
You’ve also probably heard me refer to it either on the teleseminars of www.menspsychology.comor in the Omega Male Program, as being literally, the “scientific definition of being cool,” or of “coolness.”
It is the skill which lets you assess the social situation around you, what resources you bring to bear on it, and make a match to the scenario while essentially “coaching yourself.”
By coolness, that is to say, responding to a social environment in the right words or actions, in the right way, in the right time.
Guess what? You guys who have a personality style such as Kings and Lovers do have something to look forward to by not fearing the “stigma” of going out alone any longer.
IT AMPLIFIES YOUR OBSERVING EGO SKILL to go out alone.
That’s because the things that build this skill often involve your ability to pay attention to yourself, your feelings, your perception of others and their perception of you, unfettered by conversation with friends who already know you, or by your cell phone, email or texting. It’s the real, raw YOU learning to build skill first hand, and to work with the environment to be creative.
Which is what? Not unlike doing your OWN bootcamp for YOURSELF you see.
 

Bring Out "Mr. Friendly"

Which brings us to a second aspect of going out alone:
One’s fear of rejection, being seen as a “loner,” or in general, not feeling like you know the right things to say or do when you are alone.
You might say it forces you to be truthful with yourself about your own creativity, conversational skill, body language, health and physique, grooming, and the ability to “read the behavior of others.”
For the latter, there’s nothing like the KWML Mastery Program.
 I mentioned Kings and Lovers earlier. These are two of the four personality styles, and when you know all four, you can learn to immediately peg women as being fast friends for your own personality style, or at least know how to converse with and manage them.
With your Observing Ego, if you get out of your own head, and into women’s psychology, you’ll come to understand that in the past when things didn’t go well with going out alone, it was because you were in your own head, or texting and emailing on your phone, or sad, fearful or depressed or lonely, all of which adds up to what?
In the female perspective?
Ew, you are an unfriendly PERSON.
You know what else?
Women FEAR unfriendly people. One of their most concerning aspects of dating and socializing is whether they will be SAFE in the environment, SAFE in talking to you, and secondly, whether they will be considered ABNORMAL, be edged out or excluded from their group in talking to you, or overall be looked on disapprovingly by their peer group.
Less mature women (if you have studied MindOS to learn about the spectrum of maturity) will really demonstrate this in an obvious way, but even mature women have this need to be included as a part of their gender based instincts.
So all the while when you thought others were judging you (you were really only judging yourself), it was more likely that part of them FEARED you, or at the least, found you UNFRIENDLY.
When I was in college, it was like hell. My parents were separating for the umpteenth time, I took on the heaviest Honors College courseload I could, and only knew one other person attending from my high school. My dad (and mom for that matter too) never taught me about how to talk to girls, attract girls, impress girls or do anything that really would prepare a young man for the real social stresses of college. In short, it was depressing.
Then two things happened. I made a new friend, a foreign-exchange student from Genoa, Italy, and among the female coeds, I discovered the simple power of friendliness.
Letting your mind brood on your stresses and what you'll have to contend with tomorrow is depressing, which has you in a foul mood, which in turn conveys UNFRIENDLINESS to the world around you.  This then tells them you are low in self-esteem, which then says all kinds of things about the kind of friend, date or mate you would make someday.
Walking around in broad daylight with Luigi, I noticed that he played a sort of cultural game with the females of the campus. As he walked by strangers, he'd take particular delight in smiling broadly and saying, "Hi."
This surprised and took them aback at first, but then left them giggling - either to walk on happily, or to stop and enquire more about why in the world someone in the United States who's a complete stranger would ever DARE to smile or say hello to another stranger.
He was using the "new kid on the block effect" and the power of mysteriousness from the Omega Male Program, many years before I developed it.
Zeroing in on what it was that he "had," I determined that it was simply the ability to turn on friendliness no matter what else was going on in his life.  For lack of a better phrase, I called this "power" a guy can flip on, "Being Mr. Friendly" to the women.
A survey in a major women's magazine of several years ago revealed that in 99% of women who spontaneously smile at strangers, a positive initial social outcome results, and in men, while less, at 71%, a positive social outcome also results.
For a guy with fears of going out alone, that is a remarkable statistic - perhaps all you really need to be attractive to women frankly. Consider throwing out all those books and CDs on tips and tricks for attraction!
As a guy who at the time, only had a handful of friends at school, this was a remarkable find for me to zero in on, even if it was exceedingly simple and common sense.
Much of the time, guys don't remember to do what's common sense when it counts!
So a crucial additional skill to going out alone is simply to be in a good mood, be of the attitude of being carefree and adventurous (as in our letter from a reader), and to SMILE. If you have to remind yourself to, then DO SO.
KWML Mastery is yours for the taking.
If this is turning your understanding of going out alone on its ear, then GOOD.
Because there’s more.
 

The Role of Shame, Rage, and Masculinity

The very aspect of going out alone – contrary to some opinions that demand you always have an entourage or “social proof,” is that if done with confidence, composure and in a SHAMELESS way, doing this is actually quite alluring and mysterious to women.
They are used to ONLY going out in groups, and may ask themselves WHY you are going out alone. That might take quite a bit of confidence, and if done with the right attitude, they will feel you are the kind of confident, masculine man they are looking for.
Add to that an attitude of friendliness, and it essentially,
a.) works against the idea that you are a weirdo or loner, and
b.) against the implied danger picked up by a woman’s instincts about “strangers.”
You actually turn the “arousal” caused by danger signals, into “arousal” of the pleasurable variety, psychologically. This is certainly a major initial chapter of the Omega Male Program, and every live expedition we do.
If you haven’t locked on to that word I used above – “shameless” – you ought to. One of the major lessons early in the new Mature Masculine Power Program is that “shame is a vacuum created by lost masculinity.”
I used to be taught, and taught, that shame is just a variant of “guilt,” only it comes at you from others rather than arising on the inside.
Nope.
I don’t think so anymore.
It is something deeper, more profound, and alarming to the point of its other-side-of-the-coin instinctual state, which is called “rage.”
I’ll leave it to the Mature Masculine Power Program to dive deep into the concept, but suffice it to say here, that when you go out alone, if you, yourself carry shame around – as in “ashamed to be going out alone and not knowing what to do or say,” then you are doing two horribly destructive things to your attractiveness and you really might as well go home instead:
 
1.) shame = unmasculine, which = unattractive sexually
2.) shame = rage, which is obviously unfriendly
 
Get it?
The very two things women must have in order to talk to a guy out and about on his own…
 

Be Your Own 24/7 Bootcamp

Easy as 1-2-3:
 
1.) Be Cool.Simply put, if you remember to use Observing Ego, then you are building the muscles of "being cool" and are acting as YOUR OWN COACH at your own private dating bootcamp for one.
 
2.) Be Shameless.Dare to put yourself out there, make mistakes, and don't take yourself or others too seriously. Early dating is meant to be fun and flirtatious only, not serious.
 
3.) Be Friendly.Add friendliness to the mix, a frequent smile, hellos, and you are fit to get a woman into a sense of curiosity about you, and even arousal at your presence.
 
You WIN, when you go out alone.
 
Be at the expeditions in Chicago, NYC or London, HERE.
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