Flakers and "I'll call you"

Janice Hoad's picture
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Flakers and "I'll call you"

Flakers.  Don’t you hate them??  What are they about exactly?  Playing hard to get…or just not interested?

I can understand why men become confused by women who flake, especially once they know about the tests women apply, but I think it’s simpler than it seems, most of the time.

The male equivalent is very often the man who takes a woman out on a date and says at the end of it “I’ll call you”…and then never does.  Or he just goes ‘poof’ after a few dates, never to be heard from again.  No explanation, no ‘see you later’, no nothing.  Zip Nada Zilch.

So in order to understand a bit more about women who flake, it might pay to think about why men say they’re going to call and then don’t.  Or say they want another date, but don’t finalise the arrangements. 

In other words, people tend to like an easy out from having to say outright to someone that they don’t want to go on a date with them – or see them again.  So they opt for the brush off.  Not particularly nice, but it happens.

While KWML type can be relevant in terms of flaking likelihood (eg Magicians are perhaps more prone to this), at the essence of the flaker is a woman who is not all that ‘sold’ on you, because even the most ‘hard-to-get’ woman is going to show up for the guy she’s really, REALLY hot for.  She might play a bit coy and not be available for the initial date he’s suggested, but she’s unlikely to actually flake.

And of course then there’s the boundary thing.  What woman with good boundaries would flake?  Hmm….well, it could be argued that none would. In most cases that would be true.  But women are human, too, and it’s easier to be positive but non committal about a proposed get together and then not answer the follow up call or text. Especially when she’s not that invested in a man or has just met him.  She’s enjoying the attention, likes having options, but is not going to commit conclusively to a date until she’s considered all her options…or (in her mind)…something better comes up (and that’s not necessarily you, unfortunately). 

If a woman is consistently being non committal and vague in response to your invitations or suggestions, then cut the tie.

Trust this much.  When a woman is VERY hot for a man, she WILL, despite herself, make room for him and prioritize him.  She might not be overt about that for a while, and she might purposely (or genuinely) be busy on the first suggestions you make, but she’ll make room.  If she misses your call, she’ll get back to you.  She may delay responding to texts and she may do other things that make you ‘wonder’.  But she won’t outright flake and if she does, it won’t be a consistent or ongoing thing.

Test her and pass her tests, but don’t keep on keeping on if it continues.  9 times out of 10 it’s just not worth it.  



We are equal

Janice, cool blog post. It seems you spotted an equivalence between men and women. Bad boundaries +/- right-brained personality (Lover Personalities included too) = flaking likelihood. Neither of those factors has to do with gender, except that men are less likely to talk about emotions or explain away why they don't want to meet again... nice analysis.

Flakers are boys, not men.

In our society, many boys never actually learn how to be men. Very often, although a man is aging physically, he has stagnated psychologically. Clear, direct, honest communication is a concept that illudes him. First of all because it is difficult to tell someone that you're not interested. It's difficult (or at least, should be) to hurt someone. So a boy just avoids it entirely. Second, a boy has not resolved what psychologists call "the mother complex." In other words, whenever a man who is stuck in his boyhood find himself in any situation that even remotely seems like he is being controlled or in any way accountable to a woman, he reacts as if he is dealing with his mother, a sort of "you can't control me or tell me what to do" mentality. Unfortunately, this results in the immature behavior that you describe as that of a "flaker." When a man finally grows up and realizes that he is treating the women in his life as if they are his mother, and decides to grow up and deal with this stuff inside his own head, he will finally stop flaking out and have the balls to just be absolutely honest and straightforward. Unfortunately, until then, the women he encounters will be understandably confused by this seemingly strange behavior. However, I agree with your conclusion, that this is a good sign that you're not dealing with a man who has accessed his mature masculine, and therefore you have a good indication that "it's just not worth it."

Interesting comments Meta,

Interesting comments Meta, thanks for your response :)

I'm wondering, though, whether you thought the article was primarily about men who flake? Not that men don't, of course, but I was focusing more on women who flake and their reasons for doing so.

You could flip your comments around to provide the equal version for women, ie the princess who flakes because she dismisses and uses men or doesn't have the maturity to be straight with them. Daddy's little princess, perhaps?

Why aren't men more straightforward? Sometimes it's because they fear the reaction from women, the 'crazy'. And yet what drives most women crazy is the not knowing. Their intuition tells them something is amiss, he denies it and then disappears, leaving her wrangling over what she did wrong and why he couldn't just TELL her.

Lots of dynamics in all of that - could write 3 different blog posts on it, in all honesty, but either way for either gender flaking is about emotional immaturity and disrespect for the other person.

The confusing thing for men is that women play hard to get and are taught to give men the 'chase', so how is a man to know if she's doing that....or is just not interested? It's a fine line to find, but I think 90% of the time (at least) if a woman is truly hot for a man, she won't flake outright.

Well Janice, maybe men and

Well Janice, maybe men and women are more alike in this regard.

I have heard that women aren't more straightforward with men because they fear the reaction too--the 'angry'. And yet what drives most men crazy is in the not getting the respect of a straight answer. We wonder what happened and why.

Not just with this girl in particular but the next ones. We fear that the mysteriousness of this girl flaking could do us in. There might be something about us that is turning women off, and until we figure out what, we could be in for a load of painful experiences.

People also flake because they are concerned to be in an awkward situation. What would you do if you ran into someone you hadn't seen in a while, say a favorite teacher from school, and they suggested getting together for a drink. You remember that person fondly and are thankful for the times you shared when you were 13, and you were glad to run into them again, but you still might hesitate about following through on meeting up later. There's something at stake here. What if you don't have enough to talk about one-on-one for an hour? MAybe it's better to keep your memories and savor the pleasant encounter and leave it at that.