The Power of the 'Stache

Kit Atkinson's picture
Printer-friendly versionPrinter-friendly version
The Power of the 'Stache

The question - to shave or not to shave? From a woman’s perspective, facial hair can be as sexy and personal as a man would like to make it. I grew up on Long Island and have spent my life traveling to New York City. I've identified two facial hair types, both equally attractive to women, but distinctive. I'll call them the Manhattan or and the Brooklyn.

The Manhattan

Men in Manhattan are clean. Their finger nails are cut. Their suits are pressed. However, a man forfeits his opportunity to grow a mass of facial hair as soon as he steps into a new pair of Gucci loafers. The clean shaven air of a Manhattan man makes women swoon across the dance floor. Without having to speak, a man communicates to her, “Yes I know I am handsome. Let me buy you a drink or even dinner and woo you with my suit and sweet nothings.” 

The only exception to the clean shaven rule for a Manhattan sophisticate is the day-after five o’clock shadow, which implies a night of romping through the Midtown concrete jungle. On the day after, a Manhattan man can win a woman with a bagel, coffee, a newspaper, and a five o’clock shadow (ahem, without patches of hair missing), that implies "you don't know where I was last night." Thus, the Manhattan man transforms from a clean-shaven sophisticate to a mysterious shadowed beast of masculinity.

The Brooklyn

Cross the Williamsburg bridge into Brooklyn, and suddenly, the men are clad in skinny jeans, gingham shirts and sport either a 1890’s moustache or a full woodsman beard. Facial hair can thrive in the Animal Collective-playing dive bars, where women are as turned on by a man drinking a Gin Rickey as they are by the story of a struggling artist.

First let’s take the moustache - a staple of a true Brooklyn man.  A man with a moustache shows intelligence, manner and class. Women cannot help themselves around the curly tips of a perfectly groomed moustache. The scratchiness to her upper lips is erotic and a nice switch from the clean-shaven sophisticates of Manhattan.

Then there is the woodsman beard. Only a few men can pull of such a feat of hairy grandeur. The beard must be full, hefty, not too curly and somewhat groomed. The woman attracted to the woodsman beard delights in a man who is full of riddles and runes. The woodsman beard can win over a woman, if the proper attitude of aloofness accompanies a man all day and night long.

There are a few caveats with maintaining a moustache or beard:

First, when eating crumby food with an woman, remember to go to the bathroom or check yourself in the mirror behind the bar to make sure no lingering food is stuck on the tips of the hair. To kiss a crumby moustache or beard will make her lose all memory that hairy grandeur.

Second, make sure the moustache or beard is combed but not matted. Semi-perfection is ideal.

Third, remember to wash the fur on the face because a sweet-smelling moustache and beard is an amazing aphrodisiac.

Finally, remember the attitude of a moustache or beard-wearer should be aloof and cool. This summer, sweat it out under the mattress of fur and show the women your true masculinity.

shadow

Comments

Stachios...

INCREDIBLE article, thanks. I'm going to have to use it to decide what to grow in "Movember" - for cancer awareness for men, when all men, everywhere, grow 'staches!

For more, see Jonny Imerman at www.imermanangels.org!

Fu Man-AWESOME!!!

After reading this I'm peeved I shaved my fu-manchu and my Earp stache...but hey I haven't grown a Yosemite Sam stache yet. Bucket list item #:1,270,534