Briefly, this is not FWB ...
It's not just lacking commitment...
It's lacking friendship...
It's even lacking several steps of attraction.


She's not being friendly, supportive or even involved.

She's being passive aggressive, and dealing with you at arms length.

Don't hang around to get walked on.
I think it's a small step for her to stop sleeping with you too.

If she pulls back, you pull back more.

As for dancing salsa, her not sharing the knowledge and practice
With you to me indicates a lack of generosity of spirit, and self centeredness.
I know what it's like to learn dance, an individual journey, even a
Real challenge, which you make on your own... But like the hero's journey
It's essential to have teachers and allies along the way... and for her to
Clean her hands of involvement I think is poor, if not outright boring.

Ps salsa is a great first step, opens Latin doors...
Try to learn bachata also... Much easier to learn...
More rewarding contact with female partners and less
Threat to feeling shame for not having competence which is
Rife in salsa... I keep hearing peoples stories.

Use a good boundary on this girl... Either she improves your life or she's out.
If you're making the decisions you get to keep your power.

.

janny wrote:If she does not want this to be exclusive and never has, then in some respects you're in danger of 'giving' her a relationship without getting one back and without her even wanting one.

This is absolutely correct in my case. I wasn't watching out for myself and was blowing up the smoke cloud to not see the reality.

janny wrote:That said, any relationship is a relationship, but there's a fairly big difference between a non-exclusive, casual relationship and an exclusive one. The former has no level of commitment, the latter the first rung of commitment (usually) and that difference is fairly significant even if it doesn't sound like it at first glance.

How do you feel about it being non-exclusive? It 'suits' you for now, as you outlined, but would you prefer it to be exclusive? Are you "OK" about her dating other guys?

Basically in a casual relationship (and any relationship with NO formal commitment IS casual), then it's each to their own and take what comes. While all relationships are voluntary and noone ever 'owes' anyone a relationship per se, when we commit to exclusivity, we are committing to sexual loyalty, so it comes with a 'promise', if you like. In a casual relationship, there are usually no promises of any kind.

I have always wondered this but I think it is a good time to ask now. Does a relationship always have to go through these three phases? In the past I have only been in exclusive "relationships", but usually very short ones (1-2 months). The longest one I had was 1 year long and I am 30 now just to give a perspective.

janny wrote:
Some of your post and even this comment...

shamelesswarrior wrote:This also makes me think that she is probably not a good supporter of my mission as well.

...sounds like you are actually behaving as though you ARE in a committed relationship. To be honest, if she doesn't want exclusivity then she's not really committed to you on any level other than what suits her, what she deems is in her interests, what she finds 'fun' and enjoyable. You might say that all relationships should be based on that, and to some extent you're right, of course. However, the person who wants no commitment can ALWAYS fall back on "we're not in a relationship so any complaints or upsets you have or feel are your own to deal with". In other words, there's no real investment in the relationship. Here today, gone tomorrow kinda thing, and the moment you step 'out of line', so to speak, they pull the "not in a relationship" trump card and tell you to put up or shut up, more or less.

Yes, I am definitely behaving like one. It's my smoke cloud to prevent myself from seeing the reality. After she met about 90% of the qualities I want in a woman's personality, I projected the rest 10% which were the most crucial in a relationship onto her.

The only thing I can give her now is to talk to her regularly on phone which is on her list of things that are enjoyable but probably not good for me to take my time off studying to give her that. Especially, I have noticed that our conversations are mostly about her sharing her 'stories' with me which do make me feel less like a man especially because there are a lot of stories about how other guys are so good at dancing. (Just to add, I am not a bad dancer myself, but I have been on a plateau for a long time because I did not consciously improve my skills). I do not live in the same town as her so I am probably not going to be getting sex from her when I want either. As I am writing this, this sounds like a win-lose deal for me. I don't know if it is important but I will mention that she is 7 years older than me and got out of more than a decade old relationship a couple of years ago. So, probably she wants her freedom and wants to live those early twenties she missed out on.

janny wrote:
I think you need to readjust your thinking where this relationship is concerned. That means shifting it back into 'casual' mode where there are no expectations, no promises, just the here and now. In some respects she's getting the best of both worlds, ie sees you on weekends and does her thing in between.

If you're doing your Phd, then you will not want external distractions, obviously. If you can accept this relationship on this basis and be HAPPY and content with it being the way it is, then great. Keep it going, change your perspective and your expectations/hopes/wishes, and enjoy it as a convenience to you while you study. If, however, it becomes a distraction because you are NOT happy with its basis and you DO wish/hope/want it to be different from what it is, then you likely need to let it go.

Yes, letting it go is what my logical brain is saying at this time...and very loud and clear.

janny wrote:It strikes me that she might be very different with you if you back off on the intensity and expectations along these lines. IOW, she feels pressured by your 'commitment' to her and your desire for greater 'commitment' from her.

True. And with more data that I am willing to see as my smoke cloud clears, especially that it is going to be predominantly a long distance relationship for the next few months, and with what Dr. Paul says about meeting your own needs first; it does not sounds like I am meeting my needs. My needs are two: getting sex and having a friend with whom I can share and consult my mind's problems while I pursue my dreams. For the latter (which I pretty much get from this forum), I need open communication and because of the nature of our 'relationship', I notice that we are beginning to be not that open with each other as much. She can't give me the former when I want either ... because of the distance.

janny wrote:Adjusting your expectations could mean you happily continue to see each other for the remaining six months of your Phd studies. And then you can reappraise your position on things. But for now, treat her as a FWB, because that's what you've got. This is most men's panacea haha. A woman who wants no exclusivity. In many respects a FWB relationship is perfect for you right now because you get regular sex without having to go out and game or 'get it' all the time, and in that regard it's a real positive for you while you study. It requires less time, less effort and therefore less distraction.

You just need to decide if that's what you want, if that's what you can be happy with...or not....upside and downside and ALL .

I agree. FWB would be very good. However, in the light of more data that I gave (forgive my weakness in not sharing everything from beginning), it is Friends W/O benefits, especially when she wants to share with me how feminine she feels when some random guy whirls her around on the dance floor and I am a mute spectator. I wouldn't even want a friend to do that with me, unless she also wants me to be a part of that story. I also discussed this with her, that I would rather be a part of her story rather than hearing from her about it and being a mere spectator. And her response was that I was being a part of her story when she tells me that. That doesn't appeal to my personality, being a warrior I guess.

Focus wrote:Briefly, this is not FWB ...
It's not just lacking commitment...
It's lacking friendship...
It's even lacking several steps of attraction.


She's not being friendly, supportive or even involved.

She's being passive aggressive, and dealing with you at arms length.

Don't hang around to get walked on.
I think it's a small step for her to stop sleeping with you too.

If she pulls back, you pull back more.

As for dancing salsa, her not sharing the knowledge and practice
With you to me indicates a lack of generosity of spirit, and self centeredness.
I know what it's like to learn dance, an individual journey, even a
Real challenge, which you make on your own... But like the hero's journey
It's essential to have teachers and allies along the way... and for her to
Clean her hands of involvement I think is poor, if not outright boring.

Ps salsa is a great first step, opens Latin doors...
Try to learn bachata also... Much easier to learn...
More rewarding contact with female partners and less
Threat to feeling shame for not having competence which is
Rife in salsa... I keep hearing peoples stories.

Use a good boundary on this girl... Either she improves your life or she's out.
If you're making the decisions you get to keep your power.

Thanks Focus,

What do you mean by she is being passive aggressive?

By the way, I was doing bachata with her. And I agree it has a better mix of people. I enjoyed it much more than salsa, which I was more into ... before.

Your post really says out loud what I have been thinking. About self-centeredness, the challenge of learning dancing on my own, etc. I was hit by these omens, if you will, a lot after being with her for about a month. I ignored.

At this time, using good boundaries with her will probably mean that I do not call her at all as I am not interested in hearing about her "life growth" when there does not seem to be anything in there for me, even though she doesn't seem to think that way. Not to use it as a tactic but to genuinely work on my studies and possibly dancing and dating if it comes my way.

Thanks Focus and Janny.

shamelesswarrior wrote:I have always wondered this but I think it is a good time to ask now. Does a relationship always have to go through these three phases? In the past I have only been in exclusive "relationships", but usually very short ones (1-2 months). The longest one I had was 1 year long and I am 30 now just to give a perspective.

I'm not entirely clear on what you mean by the three phases? Are you referring to the courtship phases Dr Paul identifies in his programs?

If you're asking if a relationship always has to end up exclusive, then no, it doesn't. Some relationships stay 'casual' for a long time, especially FWBs (where ordinarily a genuine friendship exists). That said, some FWBs are exclusive, although generally not. It depends on what both people want and what they both agree to/accept, basically. If you can give me a bit more info on what you mean by that question, I might be able to explain better.

shamelesswarrior wrote:The only thing I can give her now is to talk to her regularly on phone which is on her list of things that are enjoyable but probably not good for me to take my time off studying to give her that. Especially, I have noticed that our conversations are mostly about her sharing her 'stories' with me which do make me feel less like a man especially because there are a lot of stories about how other guys are so good at dancing. (Just to add, I am not a bad dancer myself, but I have been on a plateau for a long time because I did not consciously improve my skills). I do not live in the same town as her so I am probably not going to be getting sex from her when I want either. As I am writing this, this sounds like a win-lose deal for me.

Yeah, it does, sorry to say.

shamelesswarrior wrote:I don't know if it is important but I will mention that she is 7 years older than me and got out of more than a decade old relationship a couple of years ago. So, probably she wants her freedom and wants to live those early twenties she missed out on.

It may well explain why she is the way she is right now, but at the end of the day it doesn't really matter and actually isn't important. What's important is whether she boosts your masculinity and is a 'positive' in your life and it doesn't sound like she's doing much for you on that basis. Sounds more like you're a boost to her femininity and not getting much in return.

shamelesswarrior wrote:My needs are two: getting sex and having a friend with whom I can share and consult my mind's problems while I pursue my dreams. For the latter (which I pretty much get from this forum), I need open communication and because of the nature of our 'relationship', I notice that we are beginning to be not that open with each other as much. She can't give me the former when I want either ... because of the distance.

Yeah, well you're kinda answering your own questions now, aren't you? You're not (as Focus said) getting much friendship and the sex is fairly inaccessible, so the benefits to you are looking on the 'down' side pretty much.

shamelesswarrior wrote:it is Friends W/O benefits, especially when she wants to share with me how feminine she feels when some random guy whirls her around on the dance floor and I am a mute spectator. I wouldn't even want a friend to do that with me, unless she also wants me to be a part of that story. I also discussed this with her, that I would rather be a part of her story rather than hearing from her about it and being a mere spectator. And her response was that I was being a part of her story when she tells me that.

This shows GROSS insensitivity and selfishness, if you ask me. When I read that I thought "what an ignorant, selfish b****", so there you go. Narcissistic also springs to mind.

shamelesswarrior wrote:That doesn't appeal to my personality, being a warrior I guess.

In all honesty, it wouldn't appeal to many people's personalities, whatever their KWML type.

It strikes me from reading your posts on this topic that you're still learning to define what is *you* and what is *her* (or anyone else). In other words, whether your gut feelings are sound and reasonable or whether it's your insecurities at play. That will change as you become more comfortable with who you are and more experienced at applying Dr Paul's theories.

But all in all, I'm struggling to see what value this woman adds to your life right now. She sounds almost parasitic in her behaviour, ie taking from you what makes her feel good and not returning the favour with any real consideration or care. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think you would indeed be better off letting go of this one and socialising when suits you as a break from your studies (and hopefully finding someone (or more than one) closer and more reciprocal in the process).

Re passive aggressive, there must be an MP wiki entry.
Or wikipedia or dictionary.com, good for an orientation.
You Might help see patterns in her behavior.

If so, it's hurting the friendship and your self-esteem.

janny wrote:
I'm not entirely clear on what you mean by the three phases? Are you referring to the courtship phases Dr Paul identifies in his programs?

If you're asking if a relationship always has to end up exclusive, then no, it doesn't. Some relationships stay 'casual' for a long time, especially FWBs (where ordinarily a genuine friendship exists). That said, some FWBs are exclusive, although generally not. It depends on what both people want and what they both agree to/accept, basically. If you can give me a bit more info on what you mean by that question, I might be able to explain better.

No I was referring to non-exclusive, casual and exclusive relationships. For some reason, I got the feeling that that is the progression order of a relationship. And all the ones I have been in that I can think of have been exclusive, even though they didn't last too long. I have felt that I am generally not OK with the girl, I am sleeping with, to be sleeping around with others at the same time. So I was wondering. Does that sound more like a boundary hole or a personal preference? I am trying to understand myself better.

janny wrote:
It may well explain why she is the way she is right now, but at the end of the day it doesn't really matter and actually isn't important. What's important is whether she boosts your masculinity and is a 'positive' in your life and it doesn't sound like she's doing much for you on that basis. Sounds more like you're a boost to her femininity and not getting much in return.

Yes, until now I have been reluctant to see that because of my little smoke cloud.

janny wrote:Yeah, well you're kinda answering your own questions now, aren't you? You're not (as Focus said) getting much friendship and the sex is fairly inaccessible, so the benefits to you are looking on the 'down' side pretty much.

Yes, I just wanted to note down my feelings here too so I can come back later and see it. I am trying more and more to preserve these moments of clarity in my mind. I very much appreciate your emphasis of this also.

janny wrote:This shows GROSS insensitivity and selfishness, if you ask me. When I read that I thought "what an ignorant, selfish b****", so there you go. Narcissistic also springs to mind.

Harsh words, but they really really help me see the reality. So, sincere thanks for being so genuine with your expressions . And I know and you most probably agree too that she is not necessarily a bad person, just watching out for her own self at this time because of the anxieties and sadness coming out from such a long relationship. But yeah, this is the time for me to be watching out for myself and not be all righteous.

As Focus said, if she pulls back, I pull back too. In this case I withdraw completely, that's my decision.

janny wrote:
It strikes me from reading your posts on this topic that you're still learning to define what is *you* and what is *her* (or anyone else). In other words, whether your gut feelings are sound and reasonable or whether it's your insecurities at play. That will change as you become more comfortable with who you are and more experienced at applying Dr Paul's theories.

Yes, you hit the bullseye. By "that will change" I am assuming that my learning about my gut feelings and the ability to distinguish between the gut feelings and insecurities will become better?

janny wrote:But all in all, I'm struggling to see what value this woman adds to your life right now. She sounds almost parasitic in her behaviour, ie taking from you what makes her feel good and not returning the favour with any real consideration or care. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think you would indeed be better off letting go of this one and socialising when suits you as a break from your studies (and hopefully finding someone (or more than one) closer and more reciprocal in the process).

"Right now" is the key word for me in my situation right now! I agree. That is the same conclusion I also came to - to let go of this one. Thanks for helping me organize my thoughts! I am taking all of this as a positive learning experience. Even though, there is some sense of loss in my self esteem, but I already see it filling back up. This time I will make sure there are fewer leaks in the boundary that holds it together.

shamelesswarrior wrote:No I was referring to non-exclusive, casual and exclusive relationships. For some reason, I got the feeling that that is the progression order of a relationship. And all the ones I have been in that I can think of have been exclusive, even though they didn't last too long. I have felt that I am generally not OK with the girl, I am sleeping with, to be sleeping around with others at the same time. So I was wondering. Does that sound more like a boundary hole or a personal preference? I am trying to understand myself better.

It's who you are at this point in time in your life. You would likely get different answers to that question from different people, depending on their own viewpoints. Some might throw in that it's jealousy or insecurity, but a man is territorial by instinct. He is not going to REALLY want a woman he's sleeping with to sleep with other men. If it was a one night stand or he has no feelings whatsoever for the woman, he might not 'care', but someone who he's seeing regularly etc., he probably would at some level. That said, there would also be men who would say it's insecurity and immaturity, that there is no 'place' for this, so in the end you're left with what feels *right* to you right now. If you had two or three sexual partners in your life concurrently, then you might feel differently about this. Then again, you might not haha.

Either way at this point in time in your life, you are uncomfortable with a woman you're seeing to be sleeping with other men. And that's OK. It's your preference. Whether or not your stance on that changes as you change, kinda doesn't matter. You will shift as you will shift.

With reference to the *stages*, almost by default any relationship at its beginning is likely to start as *casual* in official terms, simply because you've only just met, feelings are new etc. Even if the 'relationship' IS exclusive, ie neither partner is seeing anyone else just *because*, in those early stages it's usually considered open slather, so to speak, ie no exclusivity has been formally established or agreed, so both parties are free to see other people if they so wish.

It's funny, though, because when I was in my 20s noone ever talked about exclusivity or other. You met someone, you went out, it either grew into gf/bf or it didn't. Noone ever had the 'talk' until there was a marriage proposal, really haha. But nowadays it's different, or appears to be, anyway.

So the rule of thumb TENDS to be (and there are always variables and exceptions) that a couple meet, they date and at some point it either develops into an exclusive gf/bf type thing....or it doesn't. Exclusivity is usually the first rung of 'commitment' between two people dating. In formal/official terms, anyway. And there tends also to be an understanding in the dating arena these days that unless it IS formally discussed/agreed, it's officially open slather in terms of dating/having sex with other people. Hence the famous 'talk' that is usually (but not always) raised by the woman, ie the 'what is this/what are we doing' talk .

shamelesswarrior wrote:And I know and you most probably agree too that she is not necessarily a bad person, just watching out for her own self at this time because of the anxieties and sadness coming out from such a long relationship.

Yeah, for sure. If she's come out of a long relationship, she may be in rediscovery mode, ie who is she without that partner, who is she as a single entity. So she's doing her own thing right now and isn't ready to commit to one man. Doesn't make her a bad person, no. She was honest and upfront with you from the beginning in terms of where she's 'at'. It was YOU, perhaps, who went along with that in the hope that it/she would change and in doing so have set yourself up for being 'stung' by some of her behaviours, perhaps as much because you were in your own 'cloud', as you described it, rather than her behaving outside of what was agreed at the beginning.

That said....insensitivity and/or ignorance is still not a desired characteristic and doing one's "own thing" is not justification for this. Nor should YOU be accepting it *just* because she was always honest in the first place and is *just going through a phase*. Not if it does not serve your wellbeing etc., anyway. Your life and wellbeing is your responsibility, so if someone is detracting from that, then it's best they be out of your life (if they won't/can't/don't want to change their behaviour) .

shamelesswarrior wrote:By "that will change" I am assuming that my learning about my gut feelings and the ability to distinguish between the gut feelings and insecurities will become better?

Yes, that's exactly what I mean. Many people going through a period of personal growth experience this 'confusion' as they grow. The first step of changing/growing is to gain awareness and knowledge, as you have via Dr Paul's programs, for example. But then what tends to happen is that when we feel something or think something that is perhaps negative or upsetting, we run through the theories in our head wondering if it's (take your pick) insecurity at play, narcissistic thinking at play, negative thinking at play.....in other words, "is it me, or is it him/her?".

It's a fairly natural and common process to go through. The more EXPERIENCE gained, though, the more we start to clarify that which is *us* and is OK to be *us* and that which is *them*. Your identity becomes clearer, your preferences become clearer, your comfort factor with that becomes greater...and in the process when presented with a dilemma of sorts, you are much clearer on where you *stand* on it.

For example, if a person's growth is at an interim stage, ie their identity and preferences (and therefore boundaries) are still a bit grey or fuzzy around the edges, they are more likely to accept behaviour from other people that ought not be accepted. This can then create a scenario where you (in this case) feel angry or upset by the actions of another, but tend to *excuse* this because you're wondering if it's your fault, your flaw, your insecurity. Over time, you will be much clearer on this and your boundaries will automatically become much firmer as a result.

A person can't fully GROW without EXPERIENCE. The experience is the application of the awareness and knowledge. It's the real-life scenarios that raise the questions AND the confusion. It is said in some quarters that confusion is good because it means growth. There is rarely growth without some degree of confusion, in other words .

So you're doing the right thing because you're out there living this, testing it, doing it in REAL-LIFE. That takes courage, first of all, and is essential to ultimate success regardless .

shamelesswarrior wrote:I am taking all of this as a positive learning experience. Even though, there is some sense of loss in my self esteem, but I already see it filling back up. This time I will make sure there are fewer leaks in the boundary that holds it together.

It IS a positive learning experience. And there will very often be a sense of loss in these situations. You know what they say... no pain, no gain

janny wrote:
That said....insensitivity and/or ignorance is still not a desired characteristic and doing one's "own thing" is not justification for this. Nor should YOU be accepting it *just* because she was always honest in the first place and is *just going through a phase*. Not if it does not serve your wellbeing etc., anyway. Your life and wellbeing is your responsibility, so if someone is detracting from that, then it's best they be out of your life (if they won't/can't/don't want to change their behaviour) .

Yes, I may even frame this paragraph and put this on my mirror as I have a tendency to give other people the benefit of doubt sometimes at my own wellbeing's expense. To add to my personal journal, this has been a pretty crazy week so far, with the "break up" on personal front and handling the deliverables at my job and working (well mostly just contemplating) about my research work. I have been reading The Alchemist slowly over the past couple of months and everyday when I read it bit by bit, I learn important lessons. I have signed up for a personal counseling session at my university; something I had also done last year. Last year, I went in with the mindset of "I am going crazy and I need some help" after having given up on being able to resolve my feelings after my father's passing (three years ago) and a then-recent break-up. This time, though, after a group mindfulness meditation class, which I go to twice a week, I listened to myself and considered counseling again. This time I am was much clearer on what I want compared to the past year, though. I consciously asked for a male counselor, for instance.

I have changed my power yoga workout to a more traditional Ashtanga Yoga routine combined with a five minute meditation. Still trying to find the perfect time for the practice. But today while I was practicing, I got a text from the woman that we have been talking about this week. My phone was on silent so I saw it after finishing my practice. She said she was thinking about me. My gut response was to send her one back saying the same, but something stopped me. I thought about what could my text possibly serve. I would only be attracting more detraction from my focus and energy. So I didn't. I don't know if it is better to tell her to stop texting me and get on with her life or just say nothing at all. Somehow, it feels that if I do the former it seems to be motivated more by an urge to take care of her emotions (crossing boundaries). To emphasize it again she is not serving my emotionally, so it is foolish to be throwing my self esteem on to her. Anyway, it was pretty understood the day before yesterday after we talked that right now it is time to let go. So I am going to maintain my position of not communicating with her atleast for the next month or so, as I sort out my studies here.

This last post of yours if FULL of really positive stuff that you have done and are doing, SW. Really. It's great stuff.

Tough, isn't it?

... When you get clarity and see it's time to get healthier
In a relationship... The other partner feels it...
And often comes back to you stronger...
... Because in the words of the narrator of 'Scott Pilgrim'
you've 'acquired the power of self-respect'...

Power is a good yoga intro to intermediate.
You'll find some serious yogis on the Ashtanga path,
who may take you deeper. I love Ashtanga...
SUCH a work out. Where I'm at there's a mix of Ashtanga
Hatha and power vinyasa classes in hot...
Good for variety, variation of postures, opens the body right up,
Less depth though... But it's all good... and at different times
we have different needs.

Have you tried hot?

Meditation is great for mental balance. Totally behind you there.

Two fathers are talking,
one says 'My son's just taken up meditation...'
The other one says '... at least he's not sitting around doing nothin'...

Your experiences socially with women journal thread has been
really interesting, I might do something similar.

What are your studies in, and do you have plans to take it forward to
A central mission for your life?

As I broke up with this woman earlier this week, along with a loss of my confidence due to her not being supportive of my personal growth, the way it would benefit me the most, I also felt a loss of a very feminine/wellbeing figure in my life. Incidentally, during the past few weeks, I have been in touch with an ex girlfriend on a platonic basis. She has a boyfriend, so I am not interested in pursuing her. A couple of days ago she came over to my place on my invitation and we talked about life's stories. I felt good. I have asked her to practice the moves I want to get better at in dancing and she has agreed, although her boyfriend seems to have "trust issues" letting her hang out with me, partly why she wanted to come to my place and not go to a public place. I am guessing it is his boundary problem as she has clearly agreed to practice with me, time permitting. Though, she does feel a bit conflicted as I have sensed from her body language, but verbally she has agreed to help me out. She is a few years younger than me I would consider her to be at my level of dancing, perhaps a little better as she dances more regularly than I do.

I asked her to introduce her boyfriend, who I have met a couple of times at dance events before but rarely spoken to, to me so he gets more comfortable as he realizes that I am not at all interested in stealing her. Apparently, she told him about this idea and he got furious. I don't know why, but that gave my confidence a sudden boost. I really hope he does not create an issues with her practicing with me, as I am really counting on her. Otherwise, of course, there is always going to be another one. I just need to get to the dance events when I get time and find one.

SW, I'm hearing a repeated pattern so I'm going to offer
Some salsa learning tips - Because your dependence on a partner
Is causing you dramas.

You could Find a cheap weekly class, or a private lesson...
You don't need a partner to progress, there are many ways, like
Self-practice, shines, dvds, youtube etc to advance different parts of
Your knowledge and skills... so unless you
Get one who is keen, who has ample room in their life to take on
That mutual commitment... just power-on alone...

Re: classes, for $15 per week you can be past the angst
Of depending on 'A' partner instead of a class with 12 practice partners, some of
who May incidentally be amenable to the notion of partnering outside class.

If you're that keen you can get a few who are similarly wanting to advance.

There are free Salsa forums, like the MP.com forum to troubleshoot
And discuss dance issues... google them, or out at social you could ask if anybody's looking.

I know it can help to have a partner, but see what's happening and the costs
Psychologically of being needy...

I went through all the same sh-/... and I felt most like the man
When I got my learning needs met for myself... It's a big victory
To gain independence and self-reliance in that crowd.
The compliments have come nonstop since I took charge of my own process.
Ps I was as needy as heck, and uber-grateful to the girls who'd spend even a minute on me...

Weve all got our budgets to work in...
Consider it the Poseidon instinct to afford yourself the purchase
of good company in which to learn what is after all more valuable to you
than the little money it costs.

I hope this helps, else please disregard it as suits you.

Focus wrote:
Weve all got our budgets to work in...
Consider it the Poseidon instinct to afford yourself the purchase
of good company in which to learn what is after all more valuable to you
than the little money it costs.

I hope this helps, else please disregard it as suits you.

All of this is great advice, Focus. I am definitely going to follow it on a daily basis. Practicing the shines on my own is probably what I need to do the most. This week as my Yoga routine becomes more stable, I have decided to allot about 10 minutes to practice following a bachata dvd set that I have. Thanks for this advice, I do sense my neediness in this regards. To keep the accountability, I will journal on my dance practice here, as well.

By the way, I am working on my PhD in computer engineering and no, I haven't yet figured out a focused mission where I am going to apply it as yet. I have only thought about it more deeply over the past year or so as I came across Dr. Paul's teachings.

So I went out dancing tonight and I found one girl (who helps with some teaching herself) who agreed to help me practice. Things are looking up again.